Про мужчину, который был красивый и стройный

Один мужчина был такой красивый и стройный. И вот однажды ночью он спит и снится ему странный сон. Как будто идет он по русскому полю, а поле всё ромашковое такое, как яичница из перепелиных яиц. И где-то там впереди, в сиянии золотых куполов, видится ему такая Россия, какой еще не было. И какая никому, кроме него, поныне неведома. Но ему она ведома, и он идет к ней решительно, сбивая лепестки ромашек, и сам Господь смотрит на него с небес с уважением. И даже похлопывает его по плечу. Теребит. Теребит. Теребит за плечо… Мужчина оборачивается и видит: лежит он в кровати где-то между подвалом и крышей своей панельной многоэтажки, а сверху над ним склонилась встревоженная жена.
— Ты знаешь, — с волнением в голосе говорила жена, — Мне приснилось вдруг, что ты — Гитлер.
Мужчина вздохнул и перевернулся на другой бок.
— Придумаешь тоже, — пробормотал он сквозь сон, — Ну какой я тебе Гитлер? Никакой я не Гитлер. Спи уже…
— Подожди! — жена снова затрясла его за плечо.
— Спи… — невнятно и еле слышно сказал он, — Надо спать, Ева…
— Ева?! — воскликнула жена, еще сильнее тряся его за плечо, — Какая я тебе Ева?! Я Юля! Что это еще за Ева, а? Отвечай!
Но мужчина не отвечал.

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Про юриста и про публициста

Один мужчина был такой юрист, а другой был публицист. И вот стоят они однажды возле кремлевского кабинета, приема ждут. Как вдруг видят — идет вдалеке призрачный человек с протянутой рукой. Толстый, волосатый, оборванный. Стучится в кабинеты и вопит:
— Давайте вы мне будете и дальше платить, а я буду писать, что хочу!
— Видал, — говорит один мужчина другому, — Это Кононенко. Выпрашивает свои кремлевские пенсии.
— Что поделать, — отвечал другой, — Алкогольная зависимость, ипотека. Жалко его.
— А нечего было писать, что хотел! — говорит первый, — Надо писать то, что надо! Не дай бог, конечно, когда-нибудь стать вот таким…
— А нам-то с чего? — удивлялся второй, — Мы пишем, что надо. Мы сильные журналисты, мы никогда не вызываем раздражения, мы логичные и понятные. Нас вот сейчас пригласят в кабинет.
Из кабинета донеслось: Заходите!
— Во, пошли, — сказал первый.
— Слушай, — немного замялся второй, — Ты извини… а ты не помнишь точно, кто из нас кто?
— В каком смысле? — не понял первый.
— Ну, кто из нас публицист, а кто — юрист, — сказал второй.
— Я публицист, — уверенно сказал первый, — Или нет?.. А ты кто?
— Я… — пробормотал второй, — Я… я не помню… я думал, что ты юрист..
— Я юрист? — немного задумался первый, — Но тогда получается, что публицист — это ты.
— Получается так, — пожимал плечами второй.
— Че не идете? — кричали из кабинета, — У меня времени мало!
— Ладно, пошли, — махнул рукой второй, — Там разберемся.
И мужчины вошли.

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О канализации

Один мужчина был такой Константин Львович. И вот вызывают его однажды к начальству. Он приходит, а начальство и говорит:
— Ну, чем порадуешь?
А Константин Львович достает бумагу и начальству показывает.
— Вот! — говорит.
— Это че? — не понимает начальство.
— Это петиция, — поясняет Константин Львович, — Требуют запретить Аллу Пугачеву в новогоднюю ночь.
— Говно эфир, значит, сделал? — сказало начальство, пристально глядя в глаза Константину Львовичу, — Я тебя что просил?
— Вы меня просили народ успокоить, — отвечал Константин Львович.
— А ты что? — повысило голос начальство, — Вместо этого бунт спровоцировал?!
— Так это же какой бунт, — улыбнулся Константин Львович, — Это у кого надо бунт. Это называется — канализировать протест. Вот они были недовольны уровнем жизни — а теперь они недовольны новогодним эфиром. А про уровень жизни забыли.
— А, ну да… — пробормотало начальство, — Всё таки ты у меня, получается, гений…
— Ну… — покраснел Константин Львович, — Не без этого…
— Хорошо, — кивнуло начальство, — Теперь с этим, как его… с Трампом…
Константин Львович обратился внимание.

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Про таракана

Один мужчина был такой бармен. И вот стоит он однажды в уютном баре посреди теплового лампового света и протирает стаканы. Как вдруг у дверей что-то грохает, падает, и в помещение в клубах пара врывается женщина, за которой следуют телекамеры.
— Всем оставаться на местах! — кричит женщина, — Это Ревизорро!
Все остаются на местах. Женщина стремительно проносится по залу, указывая телекамерам на разные места.
— Вот пыль! — кричит она, — Смотрите, пыль! Вы видите пыль?! А вот пятно! Немедленно снимите это пятно!
Бармен протирал стаканы, не обращая на женщину никакого внимания.
— Так, что у нас тут? — кричала она, подлетая к стойке, — Стаканы недостаточно чистые! Я вижу капли воды! А это что… ААААААААА!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Женщина вдруг переменилась в лице, побледнела и отшатнулась.
По барной стойке в тепловом ламповом свете медленно полз таракан.
— ТАРАКАН!!! — вопила женщина, — Это же таракан!!! Нет, вы видите?!
Камеры снимали. Бармен протирал стаканы. Женщина дрожала.
— Эй вы, как вас там! — кричала она бармену, — У вас таракан! Он ползет!!
Бармен, наконец, посмотрел на женщину, потом на таракана, поставил стакан на стойку и взял в руки тряпку.
— Тут ведь важно не то, что таракан, — сказал он, начиная протирать поверхность стойки, — Важно то, куда он ползет.
— В каком смысле — куда?! — не поняла женщина, — Да вот же он ползет, убейте его!!
— У таракана есть свой путь, — говорил бармен, протирая стойку перед тараканом, — И этот путь нами непостижим.
Бармен поднял голову и посмотрел женщине прямо в глаза.
— Этот таракан подобен России, — медленно говорил он, — Россия тоже веками ползет куда-то по своему пути, а вокруг все делают большие глаза, тычут в нее пальцами и кричат — смотрите, Россия! Убейте ее! Вы хотите быть, как они?
— Как кто? — недоумевала женщина.
— Ну, как те, которые тычут, — еще медленнее говорил бармен, — Которые тычут в Россию.
— Не хочу! — воскликнула женщина, — Я патриотка!
— Очень хорошо, — кивнул бармен, — Вас как зовут?
— Лена.
— Лена, — повторил он, — А фамилия?
— Летучая.
— Вот видите, — сказал он, — Вы летучая, а он — ползучий. И больше между вами, в принципе, никакой разницы нет.
Женщина растерянно смотрела на бармена. Таракан подползал к концу стойки.
— Эй там, на кухне, — коротко крикнул бармен через плечо, — Ведро воды принесите…
И бармен продолжил протирать стойку.

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Про мужчину, который всё вспомнил

Один мужчина был такой министр. И вот замели его, дело шьют. Сидит он в кабинете у следователя, а следователь и спрашивает:
— Господин министр. Я снова вынужден вас спросить. Как на ручке чемодана с деньгами оказались ваши пальчики, а?
— Если Вас интересует эта катавасия с чемоданом, я вспомнил, — отвечал министр, — Это стоило мне несколько седых волос, но правда всегда торжествует — это мое убеждение.
— Выкладывайте факты, — говорил следователь.
— Я ехал по Софийской набережной, — рассказывал министр, — Как вдруг увидел, что офис «Роснефти» как будто разрушен. Я там остановился и мне не позволяли проехать. Я пошел посмотреть, что случилось и полицейские, один молодой, но, видимо, серьезно больной парень, скорее всего много курит, и его напарник — его я не запомнил, не позволяли мне пройти.
— Так… — быстро писал следователь.
— Помню, там стояла женщина с детьми, — продолжал министр, — И я помог вынести из развалин коляску, потом я перенес какие-то вещи и какие-то чемоданы. Во всяком случае, за последние полгода других чемоданов я не касался. Опросите полицейских из оцепления, которые видели, как я переносил вещи и сопоставьте со всеми своими фактами. Если хоть одно из моих доказательств окажется ложью, то дайте мне пистолет с одним патроном, иного выхода у меня нет. Ничем иным свое алиби я доказать не смогу.
— Давайте попробуем, — отвечал следователь, — Весьма логично. Сначала послушаем наших полицейских, потом побеседуем с вашими либералами. С нашими либералами…
— Неужели вы и впрямь считаете меня коррупционером? — спросил министр, — Я в правительстве не первый год. Вряд ли бы я, будь я коррупционером, стал бы возиться с наличными. Это с моим-то опытом работы в госструктурах.
— Не надо меня хватать за язык, — отвечал следователь, дописывая за министром.
Министр молчал.

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О человеке, который свистел

Один мужчина был такой президент. И вот сидит однажды с своем кремлевском кабинете, с министрами разговаривает.
— Ну что, — говорит, — Министры! Совсем охренели?! Людям жрать нечего!
— Так мы же… — забормотали министры, — Мы же это… Владимир Владимирович!
— Что — Владимир Владимирович?! — повысил голос мужчина, — Вы хоть понимаете теперь, чего вы натворили?! Да у меня…
Вдруг высокие двери кабинета распахнулись от удара ноги, и в помещение быстро вошел человек. Президент осекся, а министры немедленно уставились в стол.
Человек оглядел стол, потом обошел его, подошел к президенту, улыбнулся и поправил ему узел на галстуке. Президент молчал. Человек обернулся к столу, улыбнулся еще шире и похлопал по плечу главного из министров. После чего, насвистывая какую-то мелодию, медленно вышел из кабинета, не закрыв за собой дверь.
Министры продолжали сидеть, уткнувшись в стол. Президент вышел из-за стола, прошел через кабинет, осторожно выглянул наружу и аккуратно прикрыл двери.
Министры выдохнули.
— Владимир Владимирович, — тихо сказал главный министр, — Че-то он уже вообще, а… он же раньше за вами портфель носил с документами!
— Это раньше он за мной носил портфель с документами, — так же тихо сказал президент, — А теперь я ношу за ним чемодан с ядерной кнопкой. И хватит об этом…
Министры молчали.

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О колумнисте, который хотел прийти к власти и таки пришел

Один русский был такой колумнист. И вот однажды идет он по Женеве, думает о судьбах России. Как вдруг навстречу ему — Господь Бог.
— О, кстати, Господь! — говорит колумнист, — Россия гибнет, а ты молчишь!
— А чего ты от меня хочешь, — пожимал плечами Господь, — Россия сама этого хочет.
— Россия не хочет! — восклицал колумнист, — Россия оккупирована упырями! А русский народ хочет свободы!
— Так чего, — спрашивал Господь, — Надо убрать упырей, что ли?
— Когда мы придем к власти, мы так и сделаем! — кивал колумнист.
— А, — пробормотал Господь, — Еще, значит, к власти… Ну хорошо. Уберу я тебе упырей.
Как вдруг всё померкло. И видит колумнист, что он уже не в Женеве, а наоборот — прямо в Кремле. Стоит в Царской башне, а перед ним — вся бескрайняя Россия, от края до края.
И — никого. Пустота. Ни шевеления, ни дымка. Стерильная чистота. Первый снег.
— Во, отлично! — восклицал колумнист, — Прям как в Женеве! Ща в Телеграм об этом напишем…
И колумнист достал из кармана устройство.

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О музыкантах, которые решили вернуться

Один мужчина был такой из Фрязино. И вот приехал однажды в Лондон и зашел в паб. Вдруг видит: сидят Робби Уильямс и Стинг.
— Как у тебя получается? — спрашивал Робби Уильямс, — Ты же такой же никому не нужный старик, как и я… где ты берешь?
— Мне платят русские, — отвечал Стинг, — Все время приглашают русские. Свадьбы, фестивали… корпоративные вечеринки.
— А меня русские не приглашают! — разводил руками Робби Уильямс, — Почему они меня не приглашают?! Я бы поехал!
— А у тебя есть песня про русских? — спрашивал Стинг, — Русские любят, когда песня про них. Вот у меня есть.
— Гениально! — воскликнул Робби Уильямс, — Да как же я сам не догадался!
— Я как заведу ай хоуп зе рашнз лав зейр чилдрен ту, — говорил Стинг, — Так они сразу же водку пьют, зажигалки поднимают и у них слезы на глаза наворачиваются. Английский певец поет песню про них! Ну и платят, конечно.
— Я тоже напишу песню про русских! — возбужденно говорил Робби Уильямс, подзывая официанта, — Грандиозную песню!
Свидетель из Фрязино увидел, как музыканты заказали себе по еще.
— Только ты вот что, — говорил Стинг, — Ты вставь в свою песню что-нибудь русское. Они это любят. Ну, когда в Англии знают их музыку. Я вот вставил Прокофьева.
— Прокофьев! — восклицал Робби Уильямс, — Ну конечно! Я тоже вставлю Прокофьева!
И Робби Уильяма начал что-то набрасывать на салфетке. Стинг удовлетворенно кивал.

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Об учителе истории и эксперименте

Один мужчина был такой учитель истории. И вот однажды ведет он урок о древней неритмичной стране.
— В те годы в государственном управлении, — говорил учитель, медленно ходя меж рядов, — Конкурировали две противоположных концепции.
Учащиеся смотрели на учителя затаив дыхание.
— Одна из концепций предполагала внушение населению нужных мыслей с помощью устройства, называемого психотронная пушка, — говорил учитель, бросая взгляды на учениц.
Ученицы бросали на него ответные взгляды.
— Другая концепция предполагала чтение мыслей населения с помощью устройства, называемого нооскоп. И следование тому, чего хочется населению.
Учитель остановился, внимательно посмотрел на одну из учениц. Ученица покраснела. Другие ученицы посмотрели на нее с ненавистью. Учитель развернулся и пошел в обратную сторону.
— Какая именно из концепций окажется более эффективной, было неочевидно, — продолжал учитель, — Поэтому был устроен эксперимент.
Учитель подошел к доске, развернулся и внимательно осмотрел класс.
— Эксперимент был поставлен над учащимися одной из лучших школ, — говорил учитель, и в его голосе слышался лёд, — Сторонники первой из концепций облучали учащихся психотронной пушкой, пытаясь внушить им идеи свободы и либерализма. Сторонники другой из концепций с помощью нооскопа считывали информационно-волновую память матки учениц.
— Но почему матки, учитель?! — удивленно спросила одна из учениц.
— Потому что матка, — отвечал учитель, внимательно глядя на ученицы, — это последний орган, до которого доходят идеи свободы и либерализма. И если бы их удалось считать оттуда, то это означало бы победу сторонников психотронной пушки.
— И как, — спрашивала другая ученица, — Удалось?
— Нет, — отвечал учитель, так же внимательно глядя и на эту ученицу, — Не удалось. Вместо этого пушка пробудила информационно-волновую память матки. И матки начали говорить.
— Матки?! — удивленно зашумел класс, — Говорить?! Но о чем?!
— А о чем может говорить матка? — пожимал плечами учитель, — О своей информационно-волновай памяти и говорила. В результате чего разразился страшный скандал, погубивший репутацию школы. И я очень надеюсь…
Учитель замолчал и еще внимательнее осмотрел весь класс, не пропуская ни одну ученицу.
— Я очень надеюсь, — медленно повторил учитель, — Что информационно-волновая память маток учениц нашего класса останется непотревоженной.
Ученицы немедленно покраснели.
— Ну а по результатам эксперимента было решено ничего не менять, — быстро продолжил учитель, опуская глаза, — Если населению хочется пребывать там, где оно пребывает — то, значит, надо дать ему все возможности там пребывать. В этом, собственно, и состоит демократия…
Как вдруг зазвонил школьный звонок.

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О раввине, который знал секс

Один еврейский мужчина был такой в поиске своего сексуального самоопределения. И вот приходит однажды к раввину и спрашивает:
— Скажи, ребе. А можно ли заниматься сексом с собственным отцом?
— Тора не запрещает, — отвечает раввин, — Дочери Лота напоили отца и были с ним. И понесли.
— А с собственным тестем, ребе? — спрашивал мужчина, — Можно ли так?
— Тора не запрещает, — отвечал раввин, — Тамар переоделась проституткой и была с отцом своего мужа. И понесла.
— Ну а с сестрами? — продолжал допытываться мужчина, — Можно ли с сестрами, ребе?
— С сестрами нельзя, — отвечал раввин, — Но если одна из сестер примет гиюр, то тогда они перестанут быть сестрами. И тогда Тора не будет против.
— То есть, получается, — обрадовался мужчина, — Что всё-всё-всё можно? Правильно, ребе?
— Нет, — покачал головой раввин, — Одного точно нельзя. Нельзя с ученицами.
— Тора запрещает? — спросил мужчина.
— Нет, — еще раз покачал головой раввин, — Они, суки, пишут потом про всё это на Фейсбуке…
Мужчина удивленно посмотрел на раввина. Раввин закрыл глаза и его губы что-то неслышно шептали.

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